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Saturday, January 9, 2010

Revenge: A dish best served in someone else's voice

My son received the most annoying toy for Christmas...The Voice Changer. I have developed a hatred of this toy like I have never experienced before. It was a gift from my brother Aaron ( I am purposefully leaving Uncle Jack out of the blame game because I feel like he would never intentionally do something like this to me). Before Connor had even opened it Aaron says to me, "You are going to kill me." HA! That was an understatement. Not only was it a blatant disregard for my "no batteries this Christmas" manifesto that I shared family wide, but it's entire existence seems to be for the sole purpose of making me crazy. You might be wondering....but how could that be?

The voice changer is a small, simple little device. All you do is press the trigger and speak into the mouthpiece and your voice is magically changed...and amplified. Please note that I said speak. This is problem number one, my kids cannot talk into it, they have to yell. The sound of their little voices changed to sound like Darth Vader or Minnie mouse on helium is so exhilarating that they lose all control of their volume. We opened this wonderful gift on Christmas Eve and it quickly stole the show, everyone in my entire family had to have their voice changed. It was like a drug and no one could say no. Except for me, it was lonely up there in my ivory tower. I just observed the insanity and prayed that they would lose interest when all of the other Christmas toys made an appearance the next day, or if that didn't work that it would run out of battery juice and we could give it the proper burial it so deserved.

After we got the boys to bed on Christmas Eve, I still couldn't get a break from the hated voice changer. Matt found it endlessly amusing to toss out witty commentary on my toy assembling ability while changing the tone of his voice. There is nothing more annoying than being up to your neck in the deluxe Island of Sodor, Thomas the Whatever Train set with 5 million pieces and having your grown husband yelling, "You're doing it wrong," in an obscene phone caller voice.

I really didn't want to be "that" mom that would get rid of a beloved toy because she found it as irritating as nails on a chalkboard so I kept my plan of waiting it out. However, the shine is still on the voice changer! Now Hudson had jumped on the bandwagon. He, however, does not have the hand strength or finger dexterity to press the trigger himself, so he and Connor traipse around the house like conjoined twins with Connor pressing the button and Hudson yelling out "Helllllooooooo, Hellooooooo!" And to think some brothers wouldn't like to share toys, I am just so lucky.

So as I wait on the seemingly endless battery life to finally come to a close, I have had a lot of time to think about how I could possibly thank my brother for this oh so generous gift. I mean really, how can I truly express my gratitude. I have had several trains of thought on this subject, most of them not fit for public viewing. I don't have a plan set in stone yet, but I think that is for the best, it might or might not involve me switching his dog's anti-depressants with a placebo of some sort. I think it is much more intimidating for him to never know when or where my plan of revenge will be enacted. It is coming though, Uncle Aaron Glenn.

It is coming.

Here is the voice changer in action. I asked Connor to demonstrate it and he agreed only if he could, "stand in front of the fire for the video because it looks so beautiful behind me."
He is all about the ambiance.

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