What's happening with the Hill family!

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Fairy Farce

Hudson had a really bad day yesterday.  One of his worst.  He had to have a baby tooth pulled and it was highly traumatic for both of us.  But to be fair, mostly him.  In a sad attempt to lessen the trauma, I really played up his first visit from the tooth fairy.  It was going to be awesome, magical and full of whimsy!  To be honest, considering how imaginative my boys are, they rarely buy into Mom-inspired whimsy.  They prefer to come up with their own ridiculousness and normally that is totally fine with me.  But on this day, I really felt like Hudson needed a little tooth fairy in his life.  You see, Connor tolerates the tooth fairy about as much as he tolerates santa claus. He hasn't openly admitted it, but I can tell from the thinly veiled look of disdain in his eyes, that he has known pretty much from birth that none of that crap is real and he plays along strictly to humor me.  But Hudson is my baby and he is about to turn five entire years old.  I really needed this.

All afternoon we talked about this wonderful visit and how magical it would all be.  He peppered me with questions that I obviously did not have adequate answers to because they just kept coming.  How does she get into the house?  Is she big size or tiny size?  What color is her wand?  Does she wear a long beautiful dress or a short beautiful dress?  In the spirit of whimsy, I made up a bunch of stuff and tried to pressure him into going to sleep.  But he just wasn't having it.  He wasn't buying my magical tale of fairy intrigue and point blank told me he didn't think the tooth fairy is real.  WHAT?!?!  After all my elaborate detail and sensory rich description?  Lying in bed with my youngest son, I was left with little choice, so naturally I just straight up lied to him.  And before I even repeat the lie, let me please make this disclaimer: as parents, we really try to use lying to our children very judiciously and only for matters that we consider dire and of immediate detriment to their safety.  For example, classics such as, "Don't forget, the McDonald's playground is closed on Mondays" or "Only kids 12 and over can get into Six Flags," might have made an appearance in our house. *As another disclaimer, Matt would like me to say that he never said nor participated in either of the previous statements.*  Anyway, back to the tooth fairy debacle, I decided in that instant to either put up or shut up, so I just said the first thing that came to mind, "Hudson Hill,  the tooth fairy is real and I can prove it!  When she comes tonight I am going to take her picture!"  It might also be important to note that at this point, Matt rolled over, turned out the light and said, "Good grief, Melissa.  I'm out."  Fine.  I didn't need him to manufacture a magical childhood memory.

After Hudson finally fell asleep, I got busy.  I took his picture, borrowed ten bucks out of Connor's money drawer (don't worry I'll pay him back and yes I know ten bucks is ridiculous but it was very late and I was officially way into go big or go home territory) and made the tooth for money switch.  Then the real work began.  I found the perfect picture of a fairy online (FYI, googling real women dressed as fairies resulted in some highly questionable, yet oddly fascinating material, apparently it is a lifestyle) and one hour of photoshop later:  

Not bad, right?  I went to bed feeling pretty good about my mothering skills.  I couldn't wait for Hudson to wake up to a little bit of childhood innocence and it really did start out well.  He found his "one million dollars" (that kindergarten teacher is really going to love our math skills come August) and  then immediately asked to see the evidence.  Proudly I opened my computer and presented the documentation for his review.  After scrutinizing it for about fifteen long seconds, he looked at me and said, "I don't think so, her doesn't even have shoes on. Where's the video?"  Seriously.  

I guess at Christmas we will wait in line for hours just so Hudson can punch Santa in the face.  

Monday, February 18, 2013

Connor Wages War on Childhood Obesity

A while back Connor spent three weeks immersed in a healthy living unit at school.  In typical Connor fashion, he approached this unit of study with intense, laser-like focus.  He came home talking all about the  importance of healthy eating and regular exercise.  He also came home with a heart full of concerns for overweight people.  Apparently his teacher let them know how dangerous it is to be overweight and Connor couldn't get this off his mind.  He became slightly obsessed with the few students in his class that had "big tummies."  He was genuinely worried that they would get sick and/or die.  This started to become an issue because the more he talked about it at home, the more I became worried that he would accidentally say something to these kids at school and hurt their feelings.  No matter how well intentioned, I did not want him bringing up their six year old big tummies.  So I sat him down for a little chat.  I told him that while I was very supportive of his concern and compassion for his classmates, he needed to cool his jets because he wouldn't want to say anything to offend them.   Of course this immediately offended him!  "Mommy, I would never say anything about their big tummies!  I am just so worried that they aren't living healthy and could get sick!"  Connor is a really sweet, compassionate boy and I know this was truly his intent but again, I reminded him that it was their mom and dad's concern and not his.  He promised to never talk about it at school and I thought that was the end of it.  
He got off the bus a couple of days later beaming with pride.  He got in the car and told me he had the best idea at school and had solved the potential big tummy problem without having to say a word about it.  I was almost afraid to ask.  As it turns out, Connor's new plan included stalking those particular children on the playground at recess and enticing them to chase him around therefore getting some exercise and improving their health.  
What the what?

After letting this master plan marinate in my brain for a couple of minutes, I sought further clarification. "So, let me get this straight.  You run around these children on the playground yelling, 'Hey, so and so come chase me!  Come on chase me!'"  He nodded excitedly.  "Because you want them to get exercise and are trying to trick them into it? " More nodding.  "And how exactly is that working out for all the parties involved?"  "Well, actually I'm getting a lot of exercise, but they don't really seem to want to run after me. They think I'm being kind of weird. But I'm going to keep trying."  Hmm.  No kidding.   I put an end to that little bit of madness and told him from now on he should just concern himself with the well being of the people living in his house, because lord knows we have enough weird already working against us, we don't need to add involuntary fitness instructor to the list.  

After a few days of relative peace and quiet, the healthy living project again reared it's ugly head. Every afternoon Hudson and I wait to meet Connor's bus. As it stops, Hudson climbs aboard, hugs the driver, hugs his brother and then runs down the aisle high fiving all the other passengers.  It's kind of his thing. This particular afternoon after they both disembarked, Connor bent down and told his brother, "Guess what Hudson?  I bought you a surprise at school today!"  To which Hudson immediately responded by shutting his eyes, holding out his hands and screaming, "A 'pise?  OMG, a pise for me?  Tell me when I can open my eyes Connor!"  Grinning from ear to ear, Connor ever so gently and lovingly placed a blue pedometer into his brothers waiting hands.  Yes, a pedometer.  This might be the right time to add as a side note that Connor wears a pedometer just about every single day of his life.  Does that really surprise you?  It shouldn't. But back to the story, Hudson was delighted and had absolutely no idea what it was.  Connor told him excitedly that it was a machine that would count his steps and help him get exercise so he could lose his "big tummy so you won't get sick and die." Well that was all Hudson needed to hear.  He was in it to win it.  I should probably also add that Hudson does not, in fact, have a big tummy.  Granted he is almost five years old and still looks like a toddler, so he has retained a little bit of a baby belly, but he is in no way overweight.  In fact, we are hoping that he can make it to the 25th percentile in weight at his next check up, but I won't be holding my breath. But Connor, in his quest for healthy living for all, had officially diagnosed his brother with a weight problem.  Honestly, this really shouldn't have surprised me because I had noticed him giving his little brother's belly the stank eye ever since that stupid healthy living unit started. But you know what, if those two want to spend their evenings power walking the non existent pounds off, fine by me.  

The next day, I sent Hudson's teacher an email about something stupid (which sum up about 96% of all emails I send to my children's teachers) and at the end of her reply she added, "Oh and by the way, Hudson has taken 476 steps on his pedometer today, he wants me to check it every time we come back in the classroom. He's so cute!"   
Shut. The. Front. Door.  
Now, I knew for a fact that stupid blue pedometer was on the dresser when I did a pedometer check (what, you don't have those at your house) that morning because Connor and I specifically discussed that Hudson would not be wearing it to school and I knew that Hudson was incapable of working the clip mechanism required to attach said pedometer to himself.  Not like we don't already have a reputation for oddity at school, now I had to explain to Hudson's teacher that we don't have him on some kind of step count program.  Again with the forced fitness! 
Speaking of programs, I think Connor needs one of the twelve step variety.  He is about two sweat bands away from his own infomercial.  I'm expecting a phone call from Michelle Obama any day now.