Yesterday morning was our first "real" day back at work and that meant that it was the boy's first day back at Ms. Karen's. Everyone was really excited but of course being the first morning in 10 weeks that we had to get somewhere dressed and on time we ran into some chaos. It definitely wasn't the one morning I would pick to have one of the most important conversations of my life as a mother thus far, but if I have learned nothing else in my almost five years of motherhood it is that God's timing is not my own and so the short trip from our house to the babysitter was when Connor wanted to talk about some things that had been on his mind.
We always drive over the lake on our way to school and it never fails that Connor comments on how beautiful it looks. And it absolutely is. Yesterday, seeing the sun come up over the water for some reason made him want to ask me about heaven and what I thought of it. This wasn't a new conversation and so we chatted for a minute about the usual things, what we think heaven looks like and how wonderful it will be to get there. But this time he told me that he didn't want to go to heaven after he got really old and died. That was new and so, of course, I asked him why he didn't want to go to heaven. He told me that he was scared. This kind of threw me because he has never mentioned this before, so I asked him if it was dying that he was scared of because I wanted to reassure him that as a four year old he doesn't need to be worried about dying. This is what he told me, "No, Mom. I am not scared to die but I am afraid to go to heaven to live with God and Jesus because I've never seen them and so I won't know them. I am scared of people I don't know and what if they don't know me?"
So at this point, I am driving down the road crying like an idiot because I could tell he had put a lot of thought into this and was really worried. He thought that he would feel scared because he wouldn't recognize God and he thought God wouldn't recognize him. So here we are at a red light with Hudson singing a wiggles song in one carseat and my old soul four year old in another waiting on his mom to clear up the issue of heaven for him. His mother who was now calmly and collectively weeping silently. I just felt in my heart that it was one of those moments as a mom that you absolutely don't want to screw up. So this is what I told him. I told him that God has known him since before he was even born and that he made him so he knew everything about him from the top of his head to the ends of his ridiculously long legs. That when he got to heaven it wouldn't matter if he had never seen God before, God knows knows his face and his heart and he could never be a stranger. I told him God even knows exactly how many hairs are on top of his head, something that even his mommy doesn't know.
He was quiet for a minute (as I circled Ms. Karen's neighborhood) and then finally said, "So he knows everything? Even everything about me?" Yep. Then he said, "Good, I have a bunch of stuff to ask him when I see him." So friends, family, random blog readers what would my son ask God when he got to heaven?
"Mommy, the first thing I am going to ask him is what in the world is wrong with Hudson's hair and then I am going to ask him if he has a Wii."
There you go, we aren't scared anymore. We just want to play Wii with Jesus.
2017 Christmas Decorations
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