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Sunday, December 4, 2011

Dear Connor, From Santa

Dear Connor,
I just want to start out by saying you have been a really good boy this year.  Really.  Frankly, I've been impressed.  However, I have some bad news.  You know that toy at the top of your Christmas list?  The one whose commercial you have memorized and talked about for months?  Right, that one.  Well, here's the thing.  Santa would love to put that present under the tree for you big guy, but I just can't in good conscience do it.  That particular item has a one star review on Amazon and frankly, Connor, that is not an easy thing for Santa to overlook. Some of the reviews include such gems as, "the worst made piece of crap I have ever spent money on,"  or "is it possible to give negative stars because I think this junk deserves negative stars." and those are the ones safe for children's ears.  See my problem?  There was even some speculation on the lead content of it's paint and Santa just can't have the shadow of a product recall hanging over his head.

I know you are going to feel disappointed, but think about how you would feel if you saw that bright shiny, obnoxiously marketed box under the tree and ripped into it ready to play with your dream toy, when all of a sudden it breaks because it truly is an over priced piece of poorly made crap-ola that won't even survive the day.  The emotional roller coaster throwing you from the highest high to the lowest low will be almost more than you can take. Trust Santa, this is for the best.  Wait, Santa understands that hypothetical disappointment is a hard thing for a five year old to visualize, even a super smart one like you, so let me take you back to a memory from Christmas Past.  Remember last year, when Santa brought you and your brother that wicked awesome remote control airplane?  Your family was so excited to try it out and Connor, it was truly glorious.  Glorious for those few short hours until your daddy flew it onto your neighbor's second story roof never to be seen again.  That, son, was disappointment and it felt horrible.  Santa desperately wants to shield you from ever having that feeling on December 25th again.

Still think you want to risk it, maybe you're thinking that those 103 negative reviews were all just flukes?  Let's visit another memory.  Two years ago, Santa delivered a tiny, yet quite pricey mini helicopter that sadly met it's fate minutes after you awoke, when your dad kamikazed it into the tile floor.  It just wasn't built to withstand your daddy's sad aviation skills and that's when Santa decided to start checking the online reviews.  Again, Connor, that was disappointment and we just can't have a repeat of that this Christmas.

Thanks for being so understanding, Sport.  Santa never wants to let good kids down, but I think in the long run you will see that I did you a favor here.  Feel free to select a new favorite toy to put at the top of your list and I will see what I can do.  In the meantime, I will be finishing up my article titled, "The Louder the Commercial, the Crappier the Toy."  Look for it in your stocking.

The Big Guy in Red.

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